


Sessions

by ipacialiera



Series: The Body [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Detectives, Depression, F/M, Fatherhood, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, M/M, Moving On, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 22:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11194416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ipacialiera/pseuds/ipacialiera
Summary: Ignis is ordered to see the police psychiatrist after the Argentum case. Sequel to "The Body".





	Sessions

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, the sequel that no one wanted. The idea just appeared and I decided to stay true to my motto: "Write first, ask for forgiveness, later." I wrote this instead of writing more of [_He Who Walks Alone at Night_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10578129/chapters/23376006), because I needed a break from torturing Noctis. So, I guess I decided to torture Ignis instead.
> 
> [ _The Body_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10037417/chapters/22370477) needs to be completed for this to make sense. If you like things to be miserable, like I typically do, and you don't want closure, don't read this. If you would like some semblance of closure/hope/etc., then this story may be for you. Italics denote a flashback. CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: Heavy mentions of suicide and suicidal ideations.
> 
> Enjoy!

The first thing he noticed about the room was that it smelled strongly of some kind of flowery scent. It was extremely artificial and almost overpowering and it reminded him of the night that he spent deliberating over what scented candle he should buy for his dinner date with Aranea. That night seemed distant; as if the memory didn’t really belong to him. It was difficult when he tried to remember anything prior to a certain point since the memories belonged to a man he no longer was.

“Are you comfortable, Detective Scientia?”

Ignis settled down onto an expensive damask couch. He rubbed his hand along the silk fabric, not looking at the doctor.

“This is a nice couch. Seems to be a little much for a police psychiatrist.”

The doctor sat in her armchair. She was a middle-aged woman with short, blonde hair and blue eyes. She was dressed stylishly in an embossed turquoise suit that had a small gold pin on the left lapel. Ignis shifted his attention from the couch to the pin, focusing on it to avoid looking at her face.

“I like nice things. I work hard for them.” She crossed a leg, placing a folder in her lap and looking inside of it. “May I call you Ignis?”

Ignis sighed and finally looked at her. She was smiling, but he could tell that she was stern and wasn’t going to put up with the type of shit he gave his last psychiatrist.

“I do not see why you wouldn’t be able to.”

“Well then, Ignis.” She looked back down at the folder, flipping through the documents inside. “My name is Dr. Claustra. You may call me Camelia, if you wish. You were referred to me by your commander after failing to complete all of your mandatory sessions with your previous provider.”

Ignis didn’t respond.

“Care to tell me what happened?” Camelia leaned over to place the folder on the coffee table, then grabbed a small bowl, holding it out to Ignis. “Mint?”

He remained silent. She put down the mints and sat up, folding her hands in her lap.

“Ignis. We can play this game if you want, but you’re very close to being suspended. You’ve been exhibiting extremely uncharacteristic displays of aggression. You have been hostile towards your coworkers. You threatened your last psychiatrist with physical violence. You’ve been increasingly physical with suspects both in and out of the field. There are obviously several underlying, unresolved issues that are affecting your temperament.”

Ignis crossed his arms and looked out the office window.

“I did not see eye to eye on many things with my previous provider. My time with Dr. Ackers was not well spent.”

“I know Dustin. He’s a very competent psychiatrist. It’s unfortunate that you could not complete your sessions with him.”

“Yes, quite. I’m sure.”

Silence fell between them once more. Ignis could hear the sounds of the city from outside the window and wished that he could be somewhere else.

“How is your wife?” Camelia moved on. “Aranea?”

“She is fine.”

“Any hostility towards her? Physical or verbal?”

“Of course not.”

“She’s pregnant, correct?”

“Yes.”

“How is she doing? How are you doing?”

“She’s fine, I already said that,” he snapped, looking at her. He paused. “We are pregnant with twins. That has been worrisome for me. Perhaps that is the source of my stress.”

“How did you feel when she told you she was pregnant?”

Ignis tried to recall his response. It was a frighteningly neutral reaction and he felt horrible as he revisited the feeling.

“I…didn’t react the way I should have.”

“Do you feel as if it has impacted your relationship with her at all?”

“No.” Ignis didn’t hesitate. “Aranea is the most understanding person that I know. She knew what the situation was.”

“She’s the one that recommended you take bereavement time, is that correct?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“Do you feel that the time off helped? How has she been with you in terms of helping you process your grief?”

“I simply sat at home, doing what I always do when I am off, which is not very much. I believe I cooked some new recipes I found in some magazine. The leave was a waste of time that only caused me to fall behind with my work.” As he was telling his lie, Ignis remembered the debilitating anguish he experienced during his leave. “And, I told you. She’s understanding. I feel as if I can talk to her about anything. That has been helpful.”

“Well…” She shrugged. “Have you been?”

He began to recount the numerous instances where Aranea begged him to open up to her more.

“Yes.”

“Tell me more about your reaction to the pregnancy,” said Camelia. “You said you didn’t react the way you should have, initially. Did your feelings about the pregnancy ever improve?”

“Yes.” The memory of him talking animatedly to Noctis and Regis at their graves resurfaced and he felt his eyes sting. He swallowed the lump that was rising in his throat. “Once I had some time to process the information, I became excited over the prospect of being a father.”

“But…?” She raised an eyebrow. “I sense some hesitation.”

Ignis was silent again.

“You stated earlier that the pregnancy has been worrisome for you. Tell me more about that.”

“What else is there to say? Having twins isn’t worrisome in and of itself?”

“Certainly. But, I believe that there is more to it. Do you feel as if you’re not in a proper state of mind to care for your children?”

He stared at her.

“Being a new father is difficult enough,” she continued. “The difficulties are certainly exacerbated when one has gone through the traumatic experience that you have.”

They stared at each other some more. She removed the folder from the table and referred to the documents again, her eyes flickering between the papers and Ignis.

“Do you feel as if you are going to fail your children? Your wife? Fail to protect them, fail to care for them properly?”

Ignis felt his heart jerk. He wasn’t expecting Camelia’s straightforwardness. He looked down at his hands; he was rubbing them together almost painfully.

“When we found out we were having twins, I was filled with dread. I can’t bring two children into this awful world.”

“You can’t live your life like that. That’s not a life. That’s you succumbing to fear.”

“Well…” Ignis cocked his head at her. “The world is full of fear and pain and hatred, isn’t it? It’s easy to do.”

She nodded and made some notes.

“That is is. But, if humans are anything, we are resilient.” She stopped writing and looked up. “Have you been having homicidal ideations or attempts?”

“What?” Ignis was almost offended. “No.”

“What about suicidal ideations?”

He paused, much longer than he should have.

“No.”

“Hmm.”

Ignis could hear the scratching of her pen against the paper and it was infuriating.

“Any suicide attempts?”

“Look, I am not so selfish where I would deprive my wife and unborn children of their husband and father by my own hand. I find that to be despicable.”

“You paused when I asked about the suicidal ideations.” Ignis was beginning to feel anxious by her no-holds-barred method of questioning that was so unlike Dr. Ackers’ approach. He thought that Camelia would probably be an excellent detective. “I have a feeling your denial is untrue. Tell me about them.”

Ignis simply shook his head. She moved on.

“Do you have a history of suicide in your family at all?”

“My brother committed suicide. My mother’s lineage has a history.”

“Were you close to your brother?”

“Very close.”

“How did you react to his death?”

“I…” He didn’t really have a reaction. He wasn’t granted the opportunity to process his own grief. “I don’t really recall. I was too busy trying to console my mother. She was beside herself; wondering why such bad things had to happen to her, why her and her family had to be cursed…the like. Despite all of this, she attempted suicide herself, not long after my brother.”

“How did your brother die?”

“He…” Ignis couldn’t find his voice for a moment. “He shot himself.”

"When did he die?"

"When I was sixteen." 

“Do you feel as if your grief for your brother was hijacked by your mother?”

He had never considered that.

“I…suppose. That makes sense. But, even if it wasn’t, I had to remain stable. I was the linchpin of my family from a very young age, especially when it came to emotional well-being and stability.”

“At the sacrifice of your own emotional stability?”

He didn’t answer.

“When you were interviewed for your initial assessment, you stated that you called Detective Caelum before you left to raid Aldercapt Enterprises. It was later revealed that your phone call occurred right before his death. Do you feel as if you failed to stop him in time?”

He was bitter when he felt a tear slide down his cheek. He nodded.

“Yes,” he said quietly. “I should have stopped by his house, earlier. I shouldn’t have gone with SWAT. I knew where a key was…the home care nurse was there. I could have gone in and waited for him at any time.”

“Did Noctis’ death remind you of your brother’s?”

He felt his heart jerk again, then begin race. He wiped at his tear.

“Please don’t say his name.”

He had requested that Noctis’ first name was not to be mentioned during his psychiatry sessions and, if it was absolutely necessary for him to be referenced, that Detective Caelum be used instead. He was making an attempt to separate himself emotionally from Noctis; he figured not hearing his name constantly would be a good start. Dr. Ackers had complied with his request, but Camelia obviously would not.

“I saw in your file you requested that we not use his first name. Why is that?”

“I don’t want to be reminded of him. I’m trying to move on. Hearing his name all the time will not help.”

“That’s not how we move on, Ignis. Avoidance and ignorance doesn’t work.”

He felt himself begin to cry; the initial, solitary tear that escaped from him acting as the break in the levee that released a flood. Camelia grabbed a box of tissues from a side table and tried to give it to him, who refused to take it. She put down the box and made some more notes.

“I think we’re done for today. I’ll see you next week, same day, at the same time.”

She could barely finish talking before Ignis rushed out of the room.

***

Ignis rushed home in his Regalia, speeding and weaving through the District Seven traffic. He was driving recklessly and he wondered what would happen if he lost control of the vehicle, or if he simply veered off of the road and drove onto a sidewalk and into a storefront. He wondered if he would die instantly, or if he would survive and live a life worse than death in a hospital. He started crying again when he realized that it wasn’t Aranea and the children that kept him from attempting suicide. He wasn’t sure when they became something that was no longer enough to prevent him from harming himself. He cried harder when he acknowledged that the real reason why he hadn’t done anything yet because he didn’t want to take the risk of it not being successful.

He pulled up to a pretty, pastel green house within Seven. He and Aranea had moved into the house about a month ago. It was located in a newly established neighborhood full of equally pretty houses; the neighborhood was full of young couples starting families and had an excellent school district. It had all the things that Ignis believed didn’t matter anymore. He didn’t want to move from his apartment but Aranea did and he wanted to do whatever was needed to keep her happy. He was used to doing such things -- doing whatever someone wanted to keep them happy, regardless of his desires -- but, this time, he truly wanted to make the effort.

He parked in the driveway. He always thought that the Regalia looked odd when everyone else on the street had ugly hybrid hatchbacks and mini vans. He swore as he looked in his rearview mirror and at his face. It was red and puffy and not ready to be presented to anyone. He rubbed at it roughly and, sniffing and sitting back in his seat, he looked out of the window. Aranea was outside and on a kneeling pad, reaching over in the garden. She was in a gauzy sundress and had her hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun. He laughed as she started stabbing at the dirt with a small hand shovel, frustrated. She gave the ground one last harsh stab, leaving the shovel in it, then sat back on her heels and rubbed at her forehead and nose. When he felt he was ready, Ignis exited the car and walked over to her.

“What did the dirt ever do to you?”

Aranea looked up quickly, startled, then smiled wide. She had dirt smudged on her face and Ignis’ heart ached at the sight of her; she was the most beautiful thing in the world.

“Iggy, my dear,” she said, struggling to get up. She wobbled a little on her knees before Ignis walked over and grabbed her gently by the hands to help her. She was about eight-and-a-half months pregnant and it showed, but she still somehow had the energy to do what she wanted. After a significant scare in month six that resulted in her being hospitalized, she was ordered by both her doctor and Ignis to take it easy. Yet, she still insisted on being active, never ceasing to enjoy her pregnancy, never losing her smile. Ignis wished he could do the same.

He pulled her up and into his arms, feeling her belly press hard against him as he pulled her into a kiss.

“I’m not sure how much longer you can hug me comfortably.” She rubbed her belly. “I’m a fucking whale.”

“But you’re such a beautiful, sexy whale,” he whispered, giving her another kiss. “And, I will hug you, no matter what, until the end of time.”

“Oh, please. Flattery won’t get you more kisses. Besides, I don’t want to give the neighbors a show. At least, not for free.”

Ignis chuckled and let her go. He glanced at the flowers. They were mangled and sad looking. Aranea noticed his gaze.

“Don’t worry. I handle baby humans much better than I handle baby flowers.” She paused, changing the subject entirely. Her voice was softer. “How did today go?”

He bit his bottom lip.

“Fine.”

“Okay.” Aranea knew when not to push, by now. “Are you hungry?”

“No.” He gave her another kiss and tugged on her hand. “All I want is you.”

He led her inside the house, leaving her garden tools on the lawn. They kissed their way to the living room where he made her lean forward on the back of the couch as he stood behind her, lifting her dress and pulling her underwear down. He slid inside of her easily, making love to her intensely and passionately and whispering endearments as he always did. But, afterwards, as Aranea fixed them something to eat, he went upstairs to lock himself in the bathroom and wonder why he still felt so empty inside.

***

The following week, Ignis found himself sitting in Camelia’s office again.

“Thank you for returning,” she said. Ignis thought that was a foolish statement and felt himself grow irritated by it.

“Did I really have a choice?”

“Yes. You did. You could have easily chosen to be suspended instead. I think the fact that you returned says a lot, actually.”

He was already starting to hate when she was correct.

“Mint?” She was holding out her mint bowl again. Ignis frowned.

“I do not want a fucking mint from you, Dr. Claustra, nor will I ever. So, please, stop asking.”

She shrugged and popped one in her mouth herself.

“Your loss. They’re very good.”

“So,” he said. “What deep rooted psychological issues are we going to unearth today? Mommy issues? Codependency? Inability to identify and acknowledge personal feelings?”

“I want you to tell me more about Noctis.”

He felt a familiar jolt within his chest.

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Well, I do.” Her tone was stern. “Stop fighting me, Ignis. Think about what I said last week. Avoidance doesn’t work.” A pause. “I know why you joined the force. I read Dr. Ackers’ notes. Do you really want to lose your sense of purpose so foolishly? Whatever you are trying to do is not worth your suspension or, possibly, worse.”

_“So why do you work? I don’t see the point,” Noctis asked. “Why put yourself on the line to be a detective? I’m surprised your family allows you to do it.”_

_Ignis shrugged. “It’s what I want to do. I want to contribute to society in a positive manner that involves something other than politics. Politics are…not for me.” He glanced at Noctis. “You may not see the point, but being a detective holds meaning to me. Contrary to what you may believe, life does have meaning. There are good people in the world.”_

“Please,” he whispered. “I’m not ready.”

Camelia nodded.

“That’s fine. Some other time.” She paused, considering her next tactic. “Tell me about how you’re feeling.”

“How…” Ignis didn’t really understand what she was asking. “Could you clarify? How I am feeling right this moment, sitting with you? Or, how I am feeling in general?”

“Both.”

“Well, I think you know how I’m feeling, sitting with you. This is a waste of time.”

She shrugged, motioning to the door.

“Like I said, you could have easily not shown up. You can easily leave and not return. It’s your choice.”

Ignis said nothing as he crossed his arms. He had never been so defiant to anyone in his life and, rather than being liberating, it was actually very tiresome. He was sick of it.

“You are correct,” he admitted. “Regarding how I am feeling, in general…it’s hard to explain.”

“Try me.”

He sat up straighter and began to chew the inside of his cheek, suddenly growing nervous. He had never expressed his feelings to anyone other than his brother. He voiced his thoughts.

“I’ve never expressed my feelings to anyone other than Gaius.”

“Gaius is your brother? Was he older or younger?”

Ignis nodded.

“Older. By several years; eleven.” He smiled. “I used to joke that I was an ‘oops baby’. He would listen to me, all the time, regardless of how petty or ridiculous my thoughts were. Though, I do not know if it was because he honestly wanted to listen, or if he felt obligated.”

“Obligated because he was your brother?”

“Yes. But I also took care of him during his horrible depressive episodes. He had them about two or three times a month, for several days. They were almost constant; miserable. I feel as if I dealt with him when he was depressed more than when he was not. I still loved him, regardless. He loved me. I would help him eat, bathe. I would talk to him. Whatever I could do to help. He is the one that encouraged me to pursue detective work instead of continuing the family occupation of politics. It was like…” He was mortified when he felt his lip quiver. “He was almost like another father to me. I loved him more than I loved our father.”

“What feelings would you talk about?”

“I would talk about Mother. We’d commiserate with each other. I’d express to him that I never felt as if I had a place in this world. Silly things like that.”

“What would he say to that?”

His eyes began to water.

“He would say that I indeed had a place and that it was located within his heart. It would be there, forever.” Ignis snickered and removed his glasses, rubbing at his eyes. “That is very trite, I know. And, it was obviously not true.”

“That’s not necessarily accurate. You can’t control a person’s chemical and genetic makeup. He could have very well felt those feelings for you while simultaneously wanting to end his life. It wasn’t about you when it came down to what your brother was dealing with. You had nothing to do with it. So, you can’t convince yourself that the relationship you had with your brother was not genuine. From what I’ve heard from you, so far, it seems like the only genuine relationship you had growing up.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Ignis accepting his defeat as he freely cried in front of Camelia once again.

“Is that correct? Is Gaius the only person you really had?”

“Yes.” 

“You obviously don’t deal with your feelings well,” she said, writing notes. “How have you been dealing with your feelings about the Argentum case, separate from your feelings about Noctis?”

He honestly would destroy Prompto’s grave if he could find it.

“I haven’t really been thinking about it.”

“That’s impossible, Ignis. There is no way one could go through what you went through and not think about it.”

He sighed.

“I have nightmares. Not every night, but most nights. Sometimes, I feel as if I see Prompto or Ardyn in public.”

“So, hallucinations?” She was making more notes.

“No, I…” Ignis didn’t know why he mentioned that. He didn’t want a serious diagnosis such as PTSD to go on his record. “Not hallucinations. It’s probably just because they’re constantly on my mind.”

“Do you have any auditory hallucinations, or are they just visual?”

“They are not fucking hallucinations!” He surprised himself with his words and tone. Camelia appeared unfazed. “They’re not!”

She nodded.

“Understood. What about Noctis? Do you see him? How often do you think about him?”

He sighed again. There was no use in lying about it.

“Yes. I see him often. I think about him almost every minute of every day.”

“When do you think you’ll be ready to talk about him in detail?”

“I don’t know. But, not today. Please.”

“All right. So, tell me about how you’re feeling about the results of the case.”

Ignis hesitated. It was hard to put his feelings to words in a manner that he felt Camelia would understand.

“I feel…stuck in a moment in time. I feel like I’m trapped in the day of the raid and, every time I get to the end, I rewind back to the beginning. I’m forced to relive the events in my head and be continuously tortured by the fact that I couldn’t do anything. I failed.”

“Do you feel as if you failed as a detective? Or as a friend?”

“Both.”

“Is the case truly solved, for you?”

“No. It will never be, for me.”

“Are there some unanswered questions that you still have?”

“I think about Gentiana a lot. I think about any other women and children that have been lost in the recesses of Aldercapt’s hell. I wonder where they have all gone. It is as if they have completely vanished from the face of Eos. I ask myself why we had to get this case; why it had to fall on our desks. I ask myself what makes a person resort to such evil. Those particular questions are rhetorical, of course.”

“Tell me about the friendship you established with Noctis during this case.”

“No. I told you.”

Camelia held up a hand.

“That’s right. I apologize.” She began writing again. “What are your thoughts about medication?”

Ignis wanted nothing to do with it.

“I do not want to be prescribed something that makes me a zombie, or be prescribed several medications to the point where I’m a walking pharmacy. I do not want any at all.”

“I think you would benefit the most from a combination of medication and talk therapy. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, initially. Just a basic mood stabilizer.”

“I am not putting anything of the sort in my body.”

She nodded, then pulled out a piece of paper from her folder. She leaned over the table and handed it to Ignis, who read it slowly. It was a request for the mental health assessment for the purpose of a performance evaluation from the board of police commissioners.

“What’s this?” His voice sounded distant. He already knew what it meant.

“I got it this morning. Commander Leonis was loath to give it to me. However, the board is pushing it. Your physical violence against that District Nine robbery suspect last week was unacceptable. The suspect’s lawyer is threatening to press charges and go to the Sentinel. This has gone above Cor’s head and a suspension; they’re considering termination.”

“I…”

“I’m hesitant to give them my evaluation. If I am to give them my opinion, based on these two sessions, you will be terminated without a doubt. You have been uncooperative, resist me constantly, and, now, you have declined my medical recommendation. These things, in conjunction with your other behavioral issues, will result in the loss of your badge. They will view you as a lost cause and declare you unfit for duty.”

The words were foreign to Ignis’ ears. He had no idea how he had arrived at his current situation. The almost unreal feeling of his predicament was making him feel nauseated and the paper slid from his hands and onto the floor. He leaned over, propping his elbows on his knees, and cradled his head as he began to sob. Camelia let him cry for a moment before she continued.

“I knew of you before the Argentum case. I didn’t know much, but I knew that you were a detective of extremely high caliber. You were often used as an example for other detectives. I also know that, based on your previous psychological and personal profiles with Dr. Ackers, this job is one of the few things that tethers you to reality. Therefore, I do not want to see you lose it. I am not going to give the board my evaluation until I absolutely have to. But, I have no intention to lie when I do make my assessment. You must work with me, Ignis, if you want to keep your job. I am here to help you heal, not prolong your torture.”

Ignis sat up, his face a mask of anguish.

“I do not know how to heal.”

“Well,” she said. “I will teach you.”

***

The last thing Aranea expected to see was the Regalia parked in the driveway. Her mother had just dropped her off at the house after they spent the entire morning together shopping for baby things. They were supposed to have lunch together, but she hadn’t been feeling very well and her mother insisted on taking her home. When she walked up to the doorstep, already seeing that Ignis was there, she grew nervous. Dave Auburnbrie had called her a few nights ago to give her an update of how Ignis was doing at work; something he had done several times before. It was no secret that Ignis was toying with a suspension. Dave said it might even be worse. She groaned as she felt her stomach cramp. She had promised both her doctor and Ignis that she would try to take it easy on the stress during the pregnancy, but it was hard.

She walked into the foyer, dumping her bags near a small table. She could hear sounds coming from the kitchen and smelled something wonderful. Ignis was obviously in a good mood if he was cooking. She smiled, but not without some melancholy. It was rare for him to cook these days. Aranea walked into the kitchen to find him, focused.

“Wasn’t expecting to see Reggie in the driveway so early.”

“I was able to leave work right after my appointment.” He didn’t look up from his cook book and his chopped vegetables. “I figured I would fix something for lunch instead of us wasting money on take out, as we always do.”

“Do we need to start worrying about money for some reason?” She said the words before she could stop herself. Her stomach cramped again.

Ignis frowned and looked up at her. He set down his knife.

“I do not follow you, Aranea.”

“I…” She felt stupid. “I was, you know--”

“No,” Ignis interrupted. “I don’t know.” He was silent for a moment, thinking. “What have you heard?”

“Please don’t get angry, Ignis. I’ve only wanted to keep an eye on you while you were at work. Dave calls me with some news sometimes.”

“News? So, you’re spying on me?”

“I’m not spying on you! Why would you say such a thing?” She was angry, but her anger barely masked her physical pain. She leaned over on the counter as another cramp rippled through her stomach. “I just…”

“You just thought you would use others to spy on me because you cannot do it yourself.”

“Because you don’t talk to me, Ignis!” Aranea screamed. “You don’t! I have no idea what’s going on with you! I’ve been trying to help you since the beginning, and you keep shutting yourself away from me. Day by day, another stone goes into your wall, and I can’t deal with it anymore. Are you really happy about this pregnancy? Do you really want to be with me? Because if you’re not going to be invested in this family, tell me now so I can fucking leave!”

“Aranea…” He was shaking a little. He began to walk around the counter and over to her, but he held up her hands to stop him. She had started to cry.

“Ignis, you know I love you. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through with Noctis during the case, and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling now. But, you’re not letting yourself heal. You need to move on. You are purposely choosing to relive you anguish on a daily basis. I’m not going to stick around for that anymore. I refuse. I can’t try to help you when you don’t help yourself. So, it’s either your pain, or it’s me and your children. You choose.”

She covered her face with her hands and began to cry harder. Ignis’ heart broke as she started sobbing audibly. Ignis listened to her sobs; it sounded as if she was breathing increasingly harder, almost on the verge of hyperventilation.

“Aranea?”

“Iggy, I--oh!”

Her hand flew to her stomach. She suddenly hissed and slid down to the floor, crumpling against the counter and the cabinets below. Ignis ran over to her and scooped her into his arms. Aranea had her eyes half closed and looked like she was fading quickly.

“My water,” she whispered.

Ignis looked down. A clear fluid mixed with dark red blood began to puddle underneath her.

***

“It’s been a while.”

Ignis was sitting with Camelia. It had been roughly three weeks since his last session.

“Yes, it has been.”

“I’m very happy to see you, Ignis.” She reached over to her mint bowl, holding it towards him. “Please, a congratulatory mint. I’m afraid I don’t have any cigars, bubble gum or not.”

Ignis smiled. He leaned over after a moment, finally taking a mint from her. She smiled back. He popped it in his mouth.

“These are pretty good.”

“I told you. So, how does it feel to be a father?”

“Scary.”

“Scary? Yes, I imagine so. What are the the twins’ names?”

“Jyoti and Kiran. Jyoti is the girl, Kiran the boy.”

“Very pretty names.” She paused, tapping a finger on the armrest of her chair. “If my memory serves me, those are Ancient Earth names in the dead Hindi and Bengali languages. For light, correct?”

“That’s correct. Impressive.”

“I guess my dead languages course in college was useful after all. Why choose those names?”

“Because. They are my light. It is as simple as that.”

“What did you feel when you first saw them?”

“I felt…” Ignis tried to recall. “Relief. Aranea’s water broke not too long after I left here. She had come home early from visiting her mother because she hadn’t felt well. We…got into an argument, then her water broke in the middle of the kitchen. There was dark red blood as well. The doctor said it was hemolyzed blood within the fluid. Aranea tested positive for hemolytic disease of the newborn when she was hospitalized during her sixth month of pregnancy.”

“That can be very dangerous. Were there any complications during labor?”

“Kiran was delivered fine, but Jyoti…her heart rate was steadily dropping as Aranea pushed. Then, when she came out, she had the cord wrapped around her neck and…” He remembered standing like a fool in his scrubs, completely helpless, while the doctor and several nurses swarmed around Aranea and his dying child. “She was blue. Not breathing. She had to be revived.”

Camelia was silent. Ignis continued.

“It was frightening to watch. Not just because of the obvious, but I was afraid to see what I would do to myself if anything happened to Aranea and the kids. It wasn’t just Jyoti’s life that was hanging by a thread. It was mine, too.”

“So you would have killed yourself if Jyoti didn’t survive?”

“Yes. I cannot take anymore pain. I am not equipped for it now and I do not know if I ever will be again.”

“Well, I agree with you when you say you aren’t equipped for it now. But, I disagree when you state that you don’t know if you ever will be again. That will not be the case. You are stronger than that.”

Ignis didn’t respond.

“Tell me about how you felt when you held your children for the first time. What was it like?”

“It was like…it was like when someone who was trapped in a cave comes out to see the sun for the first time in years. It is painful to look at and be in the sun, but you soon get used to it and bask in its glory.”

“Why was it painful? Because of your worries about willingly bringing innocents into such a dangerous world?”

He nodded.

“It was like…okay, here they are. Now you’ve done it. My mind kept going back to the children captured by Aldercapt. Ever since Aranea told me she was pregnant, I obsessed over keeping my family safe. Yet, I would revert back to my failures and picture my children being sold and it became all I could think about. Seeing them in person was an overwhelming reminder of my fears that I’ve been cultivating for so long.”

“You said it was painful, yet your sun metaphor alludes to something less painful. What was it? When did you feel it?”

“Once she was stable, Jyoti was placed in my arms. Aranea held Kiran and I looked at him before Jyoti. He is of my complexion. Light brown hair like mine. He was very quiet and contained, almost as if he didn’t want to create any further chaos. I guess he is like me. Or, at least, how I used to be. My heart sang when I saw him and his mother’s smiling face.

“But, when I looked down at Jyoti…” He stared off into the distance, smiling at the memory. “I just…I can’t explain it. When I saw her pale skin and black hair, I was shaken. I do not know where it comes from. I do not think the coloring runs in either side of her family. When she opened her eyes and I saw that they were blue, I almost dropped her. I know most babies are born with blue or gray eyes, but…I’ve seen these eyes before.”

Camelia nodded, yet said nothing. Ignis began to cry.

“I know it is stupid. My baby is not Noctis. But, to see such similarities, it was as if I was with him again. And when she turned her tiny face and scrunched it up at me, screaming and squirming defiantly in my arms, I absolutely felt like I was. Kiran was still sleeping quietly while his sister threw her tantrum and I couldn’t help but laugh. When I looked at them, then Aranea, I understood the true definition of need. To be genuinely needed is a profound feeling. They need me. But, I need them more. I think that is when I realized what I’ve been doing is not right. I must get help. I owe it to them.”

“Did your argument with Aranea prior to her water breaking have something to do with you getting help?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What is there to tell? I am destroying my life and bringing her down with me. I do not want to do that. I love her. I want to be with her and my children. Attending therapy is the only way I can ever hope to accomplish that.”

Camelia began to write in a small notepad that Ignis didn’t notice she was holding. He wondered what she had been writing since the beginning of their sessions together but figured it couldn’t be anything good. She stopped writing.

“Are you ready to talk about Noctis?”

He was hesitant, but nodded.

“Yes.”

She gave him a moment to collect himself, handing him some tissue. He grabbed it and wiped his face, releasing an audible sigh and looking up at the ceiling.

“Tell me about your friendship with him. When did you first meet? How?”

“I met him about eight months prior to the case. He was a cop that had just gotten promoted to detective. I think he had worked traffic cases prior to his promotion. I am not sure; regardless, we never really crossed paths when he was a cop. But, I had a general idea of who he was, due to him being Regis Caelum’s son. As soon as he joined the force, about a year before his promotion, whispers and rumors started about him.”

“What kind of rumors?”

“That he was strange, angry, mean. Basically just a weirdo. Did not talk to anyone, did not do much but work. I, stupidly, believed the rumors and was very apprehensive when I heard he was moving to the homicide division and sitting next to me, no less. I didn’t say anything about my concerns. They were foolish anyway. When he finally moved to the desk next to me, I was underwhelmed. Almost disappointed. He was a perfectly normal man that was of the quiet and serious nature. I could relate. When I learned more about him and his home life much, much later on, I felt horrible. I can’t imagine what I would do in a situation like his. It is completely understandable why he had the demeanor he had.”

“When you decided that you were going to be his friend?”

“I tried to make small talk as soon as he moved next to me. I was shot down, all the time. I tried not to take it personally but, after a while, I did. Later, I realized that he simply had no time or room left in his life for others. It was a miracle that he maintained his relationship with Luna for as long as he had.”

“Luna Fleuret?”

“Yes.” He was saddened at the sound of her name. “I think the only reason why he bothered to get to know me was because of the Argentum case. Which, is okay. Regardless of the reason why he chose to give me a chance, he gave me a chance.”

“Why did you want to be his friend?”

“I guess I wanted to…” It wasn’t necessarily a want as much as it was an inexplicable need to be his friend. “I just…I saw a person in need and I wanted to help.”

“With what?”

“He…he was sad. He needed someone to take care of him, instead of him taking care of others, for once.”

“One could say the same thing for yourself.”

Ignis said nothing.

“What did you get out of your friendship with Noctis? Anything?”

He truly didn’t know how to describe it.

“That’s like asking why humans exist. We don’t know why, but we do. I don’t know what exactly I got from being friends with Noctis, but I knew that I got something and that it was worthwhile. Once we became friends, it was something that was just natural. Second nature.” He began to get angry. “Please do not ever insinuate that my friendship with him was arbitrary and pointless, or reduce it to some bizarre quid pro quo relationship.”

“I would never do such a thing, Ignis.”

“So why must you insist on me classifying my relationship with him? Or by what I ‘got’ from being his friend? Does everyone on this planet have to receive in order to give?”

“Do you see Noctis as a substitute for Gaius?”

The words were unexpected.

“What?”

“You stated that Noctis was sad and that you wanted to help. Did you see Gaius in Noctis? Do you feel as if helping Noctis was allowing you to do what you couldn’t do with Gaius? Like it was a second chance?”

“I…” The tears were coming again. “Yes, I did.”

“So now, in your eyes, you’ve failed a second time.”

“I love Gaius. I love Noctis. I failed to help either one.”

“You viewed Noctis as a brother just as much as you viewed him as a friend.”

“There were several similarities shared between the two and, yes, I admit that I may have been projecting my feelings for Gaius onto Noctis in the initial stages of our friendship. But there was more to it than just having Noctis be Gaius’ replacement. Noctis could never replace Gaius, just as Noctis can never be replaced. Noctis was an excellent human being in his own right that I enjoyed being around, immensely, even though it was for such a short period of time.”

Camelia said nothing. Ignis continued.

“To answer your previous question, I feel as if I got as much as I gave to him. But what exactly it was, I don’t know.”

“Perhaps it is as simple as it being genuine friendship?”

“Yes.” Ignis never thought it could be so simple. “Perhaps.”

“You do realize that there’s absolutely nothing you could have done to have prevented Gaius’ and Noctis’ deaths, right? Between Gaius’ inherent depression and Noctis’ situational depression that he had been experiencing ever since his father’s accident, there was not much you could have done to change either outcome. If you remove yourself from either equation, their fate would remain the same.”

“When you put it that way, I think that’s the saddest thing of all.”

She nodded and made more notes. She looked at Ignis in a way that made him feel that he wouldn’t like her next question.

“Tell me about Prompto Argentum.”

“What do you want to know?” Ignis turned his gaze away from her and looked out the window. “He is scum. You can probably find everything you want to know about him on the internet by now.”

“How much of your negative feeling toward him stems from his actual involvement with Aldercapt and how much of it stems from his sexual relationship with Noctis?”

“Thank you for saying sexual instead of romantic,” he said, looking back at her. “It was far from a romance.”

“Was it? Or do you refuse to acknowledge it?”

“There is no way they could have fallen in love with each other that quickly.” Ignis recalled Noctis’ obsessive nature with the videos of Prompto. “It’s just not possible.”

“Well, although it was of a different nature, you fell in love with Noctis very quickly. How was that possible?”

He clamped his lips tightly together and crossed his arms, looking back out the window.

“Do you remember when you first noticed Noctis acting odd?”

“Yes. We were probably two days into the case. Not long at all. He and I went to the Crow Bar to have some drinks.” He smiled. “Noctis had been the one to invite me, not the other way around. I was stunned. Excited. We talked about the case a little bit. He definitely drank more than he should have. But, I noticed that there was something on his mind.” His smile faded. “Something that was bothering him and most likely causing him to drink the way that he was. Of course, he denied that anything was wrong when I pressed him. I didn't believe him. He had spent an excessive amount of time at Prompto’s apartment the night before. Later, I would learn that he returned to the apartment after we went our separate ways at the bar.”

“You would eventually figure out that he was delving deeper into Prompto’s world when he would go to the apartment and watch the videos.”

“Yes.”

“When did you feel as if you’d lost him? That there was nothing you could do to prevent him from going down the path he chose?”

“It was when we were talking to Verstael Besithia. Verstael had surprised us in Prompto’s apartment one day. When he said that Prompto was alive and that he could take Noctis to him, I saw this…” He clenched a fist. “This joy, this light in Noctis’ eyes. It was then I knew that there was nothing I could do to convince him otherwise. I felt a sense of defeat that I had not felt in a while.”

“Are you jealous of Prompto?”

Ignis felt his cheeks grow warm. He unclenched his fist, then laughed incredulously.

“Hardly.”

They both recognized the lie. Camelia asked her question again.

“Are you jealous of Prompto?”

Ignis bowed his head, looking at his hands that were now folded in his lap.

“He took him from me. We were just getting close and he yanked him away. He connected with Noctis in a way that I had been trying to do without even meeting him. Though I am unsure if Prompto even loved Noctis. From what I have gathered, it seemed that he didn’t truly love anyone. Not even himself.”

“That’s interesting. I read him differently. It seems he loved too much and expected very little in return. Does that sound familiar?”

Ignis shook his head, still looking at his hands.

“Do not compare me with that cretin.”

“Do you think Noctis loved him?”

He sighed deeply. Painfully.

“Yes. He would not have thrown everything away otherwise.”

“Do you think Noctis loved you?”

“I do not know.” He didn’t. “I can only hope he did. But, even if he did not, it would change nothing for me.”

She made some more notes. Her eyes darted to a clock on a side table near the couch.

“We’re getting close to the end of this session. I have some more questions to ask, but I want to thank you before I proceed. You’ve made wonderful progress since the last time. I appreciate you opening up to me. However, you still have some ways to go.”

He looked up at her and nodded.

“I’ve heard some of the controversy surrounding Noctis. The Precinct would like to erect a memorial in his and his father’s name, but the public has vehemently protested anything that praises him. His former home has been repeatedly vandalized. It seems that people are continuing to pay more attention to him than the more pressing matter at hand, which is Aldercapt and Izunia’s crimes. What would you say to these people, if you could address them?”

“I would…I would tell them to fuck off. They do not know Noctis. They cannot see the things I see in him.”

“Is there anything you would say to Noctis, if you had the chance?”

He licked his lips and swallowed. The tears were coming again.

“I would tell him that, for the first time in a while, I was happy. I was happy to be around him. We didn’t even have to be doing anything, really. We could have been sitting next to each other at our desks; I was just happy to be in his presence. Do you know when you first meet someone that you have a connection to? That is on the same wavelength as you? And you get that electric feeling that makes the hair on your arms stand on end? That is what it felt like when I was with him, all the time. I would tell him that. I would tell him that he needn’t have been afraid to talk to me. I wouldn’t have judged.” He took off his glasses and rubbed the tears away. “I would tell him that he is a wonderful person, who could make the messiest hair in the world still look stylish. I would tell him that, with a little bit more practice, he would have almost been as good at King’s Knight as I am. I would tell him that he needed to smile more and not look like the world was resting on his shoulders. But, even if it was, I would have helped him carry it.

“I’d thank him for encouraging me to finally talk to the love of my life. I would tell him that Jyoti and Kiran would love to meet him, and that Jyoti reminds me of him, greatly. I would say that he reminded me so much of my brother, which is the greatest compliment that I could ever give anyone. I would express how I wished I could have gotten to know him sooner.” His face twisted as he started to cry harder. He struggled to speak through his tears. “I would tell him that I hope he is finally at peace. And that I love him.”

Camelia watched him in silence as he broke down. She closed her notebook and got up, walking over to Ignis on the couch and standing over him. She placed a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s it for today, Ignis. You did well. Go home, enjoy your time with your family. Remember that they are now your present and your future. You will have to let go of the past if it brings pain and prevents you from moving forward.”

“I am afraid to let go of my past. That is where Noctis and Gaius reside.”

“You don’t need the past to keep the memories of them alive in your heart. They will be inside of you, now and forever.”

She patted his shoulder.

“I think there’s a tired new mommy anxiously waiting for you at home. It’s best you go to her.”

Ignis looked at her.

“Yes. It is.”

***

He tried to enter the house as quietly as he could, in the event that the children were sleeping. He could hear nothing but the sporadic crackle of a baby monitor that was sitting on the living room table. He entered the room and saw Aranea knocked out on the couch in nothing but a nursing bra and sweatpants. She was sleeping sitting up, her head leaned against the back of the couch and her mouth slightly open as she snored softly. Ignis smiled. He was inclined to let her sleep but, after his session with Camelia, he wanted to hear her voice. He placed the flowers he had brought for her on the table and sat on the couch next to her. He rubbed a hand on one of her knees, kissing her ear softly before whispering in it.

“Aranea.”

She didn’t move. Ignis kissed her ear again before he trailed his lips to her cheek and neck. She twitched a little, but did not wake.

“Aranea.” His voice was a little louder. Still no response. He leaned into her ear and spoke once more.

“Aranea, I’ve traded in the Regalia for one of those new hybrid sedans.”

She jerked awake.

“Huh?” She sat up quickly and looked around, dazed, squinting at Ignis. “Iggy? What? What did you say?”

He laughed.

“Nothing except for I love you.” He grabbed the flowers and held them out to her. “Flowers for my flower.”

“How sweet. Thank you.”

She grabbed them and kissed Ignis. It was tender kiss that quickly deepened and she could feel his hand slide along her inner thigh. She broke the kiss with a smile.

“You do know it’s too soon to make more babies, right? Are you sure you even want the two that you got?” She was joking with her last sentence, but only a little. Sometimes, she still wondered.

“I’m sorry, it’s just…this nursing bra combined with these sweatpants. I can’t help myself.” He smiled when she punched his arm and they kissed again. When he pulled away, he was serious. “And, yes. I still want them. I want you. I will, forever.”

Aranea studied him for a moment.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” he said, tucking some hair behind her ear. “But, I will be.”

**Author's Note:**

> Camelia is so awesome. I wish she was utilized more. Dustin Ackers serves the Crownsguard underneath the direct orders of Clarus Amicitia and is AKA the dude that babysits Iris and Talcott at Cape Caem in the game. He has been reduced to a psychiatrist that gets bullied by Ignis in this story, which is like being bullied by a grandpa.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. Thank you for reading!


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